RELATIONSHIP INFLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENTS
(If only they would advise us as like they do on the airlines.)
STARTING OUT
This announcement should be read once you both begin to realize that what is happening is more than casual:
“Welcome aboard, the captain has turned on the relationship sign. If you haven't already done so, please stow your emotional baggage underneath the seat in front of you or in an overhead bin so that it will not block or interfere with the current relationship. Please fasten your emotional seat belt, sit back and prepare to enjoy the ride.
If you are seated next in an exit row, please read the special instructions card located nearby. If you do not wish to fulfill these functions in the event of an emotional emergency, please notify a crew member. If you feel you may need to leave the relationship quickly or just the feel the need to be near an exit please ask to be re-seated.
At this time, we request that all cellular phones, blackberries, pagers, radios, televisions and remote controlled devices be turned off for the early part of this relationship, as these items interfere with the attention and communication needed in the beginning stages of a relationship. We will notify you when it is again safe to use such devices.
We remind you that this is a non-smoking relationship and we are proud of our smoke-free environment. Smoking is prohibited during the entire relationship, including in the lavatories. (Tampering with, disabling or destroying the smoke detectors is prohibited by law.)
If you have any questions about your relationship, please don't hesitate to ask one of the onboard therapists. Thank you.”
IN THE RELATIONSHIP
This announcement should be read at the point that both feel that in addition to a serious relationship there may be a future together.
“On behalf of the entire crew, I would like to welcome you aboard this relationship, non-stop service from infatuation to bonding, with continuing service to mature love and intermediate stops in wild lust. We estimate our journey will last several months and we will be operating at attitude of trust and respect. At this time, we again remind you to check and make sure any electronic equipment is turned off and that all the emotional baggage you carried into this relationship has been safely stowed. Thank you. “
RELATIONSHIP SAFETY
This announcement should be made shortly after the relationship gets under way and both parties begin to realize that there is now some risk as they are committing
“At this time we would like to acquaint you with the safety features of this relationship.
When the Emotional Seat Belt Sign illuminates, you must return to your space and fasten your emotional seat belt. To operate insert the mental fittings one into the other, and tighten by pulling on the loose ends of the relationship. To release your emotional seat belt apply warmth, affection and tenderness to the other person or lift the lower portion of your cocktail and place the upper where you have access to the cocktail contents.
We suggest that you keep your emotional seat belt loosely fastened whenever you are in a relationship as unexpected turbulence may be encountered.
For your safety and convenience this relationship is equipped with several emergency exits. Please take a few moments to locate the ones nearest you. In some cases, your nearest exit may be behind you. If we need to evacuate the relationship, emotion, fear and anger will guide you towards the exit. Do not completely exit the relationship until instructed that it is necessary and safe to do so.
In the event of a sudden drop in relationship intensity, a therapist appointment card will automatically drop from a compartment above your head. To start the flow of therapy, pull the card towards you. Place it firmly in front of your nose and dial normally. If you are traveling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your appointment first, and then assist the other person. Keep your appointments until advised otherwise.
You will find this and many other useful relationship safety tips on the information card located in the seat pocket in front of you. We strongly suggest you read it before the relationship takes-off. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask one of the crew. We wish you all an enjoyable relationship."
CRUISING ALTITUDE
Once both parties are comfortable with each other and have worked out the basic issues of compatibility this announcement should be made.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our emotional comfort level in this relationship and the Emotional Seat Belt Sign has been turned off. You may now move around the relationship. It is now safe to turn on your electronic devices.
Our in flight service will commence shortly, we will be passing through the relationship offering attention, love and affection. Alcoholic drinks are also available at a nominal charge with our compliments. Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. Thank you."
This announcement should be made upon breaking up, moving to a higher level of commitment beyond a basic relationship or when there is no longer a future:
“Welcome to the end of this relationship. Local time is XX:XX. For your safety and comfort, we ask that you keep your emotional seat belt fastened until the relationship has come to a full and complete stop. This will indicate that the relationship has arrived at its final destination and it is safe for you to move on. Please check around for any personality you may have brought into the relationship and be sure you have it with you when you leave. When you open the overhead bins, please use caution as some of your heavy baggage will have shifted during this relationship. If you require assistance, one of our therapists will be pleased to assist you.
We realize that in picking a relationship you have a choice. On behalf of the entire crew, I'd like to thank you for joining us in this relationship and we look forward to seeing you in the continuation of this relationship or in future relationships.“
| « prev | top | next » |
