Happiness is wanting what you get, NOT getting what you want.

I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.

I came, I saw, she conquered! (The original Latin seems to have been garbled)

If "everybody knows" such-and-such, then it ain't so, by at least ten thousand to one.

If the universe has any purpose more important than topping a woman you love and making a baby with her hearty help, I've never heard of it.

If you happen to be one of the fretful minority who can do creative work, never force an idea; you'll abort it if you do. Be patient and you'll give birth to it when the time is ripe. Learn to wait.

If you pray hard enough, water will run uphill. How hard? Why, hard enough to make water run uphill, of course!

In a society in which it is a moral offense to be different from your neighbor your only escape is never to let them find out.

It is better to copulate than never.

It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.

Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

Man can be chained, but he cannot be domesticated.

Man rarely, if ever, manages to dream up a God superior to themselves. Most Gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child.

Money is a powerful aphrodisiac but flowers work almost as well.

Most "scientists" are bottle washers and button sorters.

Most people can't think, most of the remainder won't think, the small fraction who do think mostly can't do it very well. The extremely tiny fraction who think regularly, accurately, creatively, and without self-delusion- in the long run these are the only people who count...

Never appeal to a mans better nature. He may not have one. Invoking his self interest gives you more leverage.

Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow if tomorrow might improve the odds.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

No intelligent man has any respect for an unjust law.

No state has an inherent right to survive through conscript troops and, in the long run, no state ever has. Roman matrons used to say to their sons: "Come back with your shield, or on it." Later on, this custom declined. So did Rome.

Nursing does not diminish the beauty of a womans breasts; it enhances their charm by making them look lived in and happy.

Obscurity is the refuge of incompetence.

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. "Supernatural" is a null word.

Progress is made by lazy men looking for easier ways to do things.

Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.

Sex should be friendly; otherwise stick to mechanical toys, it's more sanitary.

Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other sins are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself isn't sinful just stupid.)

Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

The hardest part of gaining any new idea is sweeping out the false idea occupying that niche.

The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire.

The moral difference between a soldier and a civilian is that the soldier accepts personal responsibility for the safety of the body politic of which he is a member. The civilian does not.

The supreme irony of life is that no one gets out of it alive.

The three-legged stool of understanding is held up by history, languages, and mathematics. Equipped with these three you can learn anything you want to learn. But if you lack any one of them you are just another ignorant peasant with dung on your boots.

The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa.

There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him.

There is only one way to console a widow but remember the risk.

Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition of man. Advances which permit this norm to be exceeded- here and there, now and then- are the work of an extremely small minority, frequently despised, often condemned, and almost always opposed by all right-thinking people. Whenever this tiny minority is kept from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven out of a society, the people then slip back into abject poverty. This is known as "bad luck."

To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.

What a wonderful world it is that has women in it.

Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.