Attributed but not actually said by George Carlin

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and don't intend to be. I like it that way.

No one worthwhile ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne or anybody else ever sang.

Owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.

It's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I don't think being a minority makes you either noble or victimized.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you do it in English.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children", "it's for the elderly", "its to stop drugs" or "it's to stop terrorism" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. You can bet you sweet ass when you hear one of these somebody's going to lose a civil right.

Fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. Anybody opposed to fireworks is anti-Darwinian.

I think that things that flash and make loud noises are cool.

I think that being a student doesn't give anyone any more insight or enlightenment than working at McDonalds, probably less, especially if their parents are footing the bill for school.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods if and how they want to, just leave the rest of us out of it.

I do not care what you do in your own home with the shades drawn. Just don't make me look at it in public. This goes for straight through gay.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. Neither condition makes you a good or bad person.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those, when I am freezing my ass off in winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks: Neither have you, so shut-the-fuck-up already.

Which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches? And where does he get his money? Why is he always part of the problem and not the solution?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.

I think profiling is fine. Why is it that after the televised car chase the guy getting out of the car is never wearing a suit or dockers and an golf shirt?

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

Anybody who is too stupid to know how a ballot works, shouldn't be deciding who runs the most powerful nation the world.

I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people should be targets.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

There's only so much room on the planet. Species die out. If not we'd have dinosaurs but no cattle. Darwin makes no distinctions.