Hows That??

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?

How did a fool and his money get together?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Should vegitarians eat animal crackers?

Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?

Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird!

Life is sexually transmitted.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians. . . the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses. . . they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.

Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan.

" In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.

The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.

Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs. . .but not downstairs.

The Bible has been translated into Klingon.

Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.

Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.

Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.

Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.

Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.

According to one study, 24% of lawns have some sort of lawn ornament in their yard.

Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in history.

At one time in Holland it took four years to train to be a hatmaker but only three years to train to be a surgeon.

Despite the many rat infested slums in New York City, only 311 people are bitten by rats in an average year. But 1,519 residents are bitten annually by other New Yorkers.

No one knows why, but 90 percent of women who walk into a department store immediately turn to the right.

The term skyscraper was first used way back in 1888 to describe an 11 story building.

Adults average only one nightmare a year, but typically have seven sexual fantasies a day.

There are twice as many kangaroos in Australia as there are people. The kangaroo population is estimated at about 40 million.

During his entire lifetime, Herman Melville's timeless classic of the sea, 'Moby Dick', only sold 50 copies.

Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

At my age going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

You know how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, I wonder what Chinese mothers use? Perhaps toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these men?

I thought about being rich and it don't mean so much, Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?

I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it!

There are more ribs where you came from!

" I have decided that Nostalgia is the VCR of our minds.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

You know how most packages say "Open here". . . What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes?

Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?

Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new?

When a bee regurgitates to make honey, does it get sick at it's stomach?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Why is it called a building when it is already built?

Why are they called "trunks" when they are vertical, and "logs" when they are horizontal?

How can you say "The same difference" when, if they have the same differences, then they must be the same - not different?

Do you ever wonder if flowers sniff us back?

Why does a dog hate for you to blow in its face, but when its in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Why is it called Greenland if it's all ice? Why is it called Iceland if it's all green?

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched.

" On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.

All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula". And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A.

" A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life".

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence Oz".

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Sunday with a television on the blink.

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

Money isn't everything. . . . there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.

A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan" 97.3% of all statistics are made up.

97.3% of all statistics are made up.

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why, if 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, are there locks on the doors?

How does the guy that drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens if you turn on the headlights?

Why they put Braille dots on the drive-up ATM machine?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?

Why they don't make airplanes out of the indestructible stuff the little black box is made of?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Some people reach the top of the ladder of success only to find it is leaning against the wrong wall.

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If you step in a puddle, don't blame the puddle.

He who stands for nothing, falls for anything.

Parents are so excited about the first steps and words of their children, but then they spend the next 17 years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.

A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.

All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.

Always and Never are two words to you should always remember never to use.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I think I've forgotten this before.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants.

Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.

Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. Sit on a red-hot stove for a minute, it seems like an hour. That's relativity.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

Statistics is like a Bikini; what is revealed is suggestive, but what is concealed is vital.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.

It is better to be 5 minutes late than dead for 5 minutes.

A man who lives in a glass house should change in the basement.

Anyone who has time to look for a 4- leaf clover needs to find one.

Anyone who is not a socialist at 16 has no heart, but anyone who still is at 32 has no mind.

A poor report card has one good thing in its favor: at least you know the student is not cheating.

A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago.

A signature always reveals a man's character -- and sometimes even his name.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Beauty is only skin deep. . .but ugly goes all the way to the bone!

Buses stop at bus stations, trains at train stations, my desk has a workstation.

Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

If pro is the opposite of con, is congress the opposite of progress?

I'm not a conservative or a liberal. I'm a pragmatist, that means that I think everybody is an asshole but me.

Who was the first guy to think of milking a cow?

Why don't they make the entire plane out of the same stuff they make the indestructible black box out of?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Don't ya hate when your in bed with three women, and the least attrachtive one says "save it for me"

I bet a good place to pick up chicks would be at lamonze classes, cause you are pretty sure those chicks put out.

Another good place to get chicks would be at an abortion ralley, because you can bet that it's not a bunch of virgins running around out there.

Why don't Kain and the Undertaker just shoot each other with lightning?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

If you mail a letter to the post office, who delivers it?

If you buy checks in the mail, what happenes if you accidently use the last one before you order more, how do you pay for the new ones?

When I see somebody running for exercice, they are never smilling.

There are really only two places in the world: here and there

The bigger they are the worse they smell

I hardly ever watch Sesame Street any more, I know most of that stuff.

If it ain't broke, break it.

My phone number is 14, I got one of the early ones.

If you can't beat 'em, pay somebody to beat them.

Hard work is for people short on talent.

Ugly people are the only ones that say "it's on the inside that counts."

If the bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out?

When are they going to make up some new Christmas songs?

You can't teach a gay dog straight tricks.

They say two wrongs don't make a right, but I heard 18 wrongs make a right.

What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon.

When someone says, "do you want my opinion"?- it's always a negative one.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You are young only once, but you can be immature all your life.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

You can send a message around the world in 1/7 of a second; yet it may take several years to move a simple idea through a 1/4 inch of human skull.

FACT: At any given time, there are 1,800 thunderstorms in progress over the earth's atmosphere.

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.

The length of a minute depends on which side of a bathroom door you're standing on.

Your temper is the only thing you can lose and still have.

The only good thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.

Consider this: Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

Remember: Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; Others whenever they go.

Confucius say: Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in.

A cocktail party is an affair where a mans gets stiff, a woman gets tight, and they return home to find that neither is either.

Stupidity is NOT a handicap! PARK ELSEWHERE!

Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting enough.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore.

WIFE -- An attachment you screw on the bed to get the house work done!

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It is amazing how many people want to live a long life, and yet so few want to grow old.

It is a small world, but I wouldn't like to have to paint it.

It is better to have bad breath than to have no breath at all.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that.

" Keep your head in the clouds. . . you're the first to know when it rains, and it's easier to see the silver lining.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It is amazing how many people want to live a long life, and yet so few want to grow old.

It is a small world, but I wouldn't like to have to paint it.

It is easy to be flexible when one is spineless!

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.

It is hard to read a cartoon aloud.

It is hard to stumble when you're on your knees.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed t on the cost of living.

It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite.

It is strange how an earthquake 4,000 miles away seems less of a catastrophe than the first scratch on your new car.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week, and the government spends 7.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather . . . Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car . . . Live so that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

Anyone can make a mountain out of a molehill by throwing on more dirt.

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I hate quotations.

Beer tastes like yak piss.

Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.

It's a dog eat dog world. . .and I'm wearing milk bone underwear.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. . . Where does a forest ranger go to get away from it all?

When a mime's arrested do they say he has the right to talk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone may clean them?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above. . .so I never have to go upstairs.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale.

" I wrote a few children's books. . .not on purpose.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?

" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?"I said, "No, I made a few mistakes.

" If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Women. . . .can't live with 'em.. . .can't shoot 'em.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back. boy, were they mad!

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

I had amnesia once or twice.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.

" My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

" I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time.

" I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology. . . the study of milkmen.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building. . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach.. . .it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here?You haven't worked a day in your life!

" Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and. . . .ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh."

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar.

" When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. . .he can't get out.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings. Boy With Pail. Kitten On Fire.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch feels real.

" I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

The sky is falling.. . .no, I'm tipping over backwards.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I was born by Caesarian section. . .but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

My roommate got a pet elephant but lost it. It's around the apartment somewhere.

I can't stop thinking like this.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder . 24 hours in a day . . . 24 beers in a case . . . coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Always remember to pillage before you burn.

It maybe that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If "clothes maketh the man" then it follows that naked people have little or no influence on society.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving to where you can't find them.

The law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.

One-seventh of life is spent on Monday.

This is as bad as it can get - but don't bet on it.

Drink varnish and you'll have a lovely finish.

If only the good die you then what does that say about senior citizens?

Down with gravity!

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?

When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.

If you can't be kind - be vague.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your naked body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Don't sweat petty things - or pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Hard work pays off in the future.

Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.